Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Understanding Guilt
When I quit drinking and joined AA, I had no idea that I was embarking on a journey of self-discovery. Like many new AAs, I just figured I could learn how to drink like normal people. It was not the first notion of which I was disabused and I'm certain it won't be the last.
Through working the steps, I've learned a lot about who I was and how to change thinking that was harming me. I never thought I was a particularly angry person, but that was because I stuffed my emotions in a mental closet and locked them up tight. I also didn't think I was a people-pleaser, but practicing rigorous self-honesty taught me otherwise. I knew I had been trained growing up to respond to manipulation through guilt, but believed I'd thrown off the shackles of that worthless emotion. Wrong again.
Many people come into the rooms of AA horribly wracked with guilt and shame over their drinking behavior. Unfortunately, alcoholism is still poorly understood by the general public, so, on the surface, many of those behaviors might lead the drinker and those around them to believe they are entirely worthy of those feelings. However, if you ask an alcoholic if it's likely they would have done anything differently knowing only what they knew at the time, they will usually tell you they would have done exactly the same thing, even though they aren't proud of their behavior and would not have done those things if they were sober. One of the primary differences between an alcoholic and a normal drinker is that alcohol will lead an alcoholic to engage in uncharacteristic behavior, i.e., it changes their personality. This does not in any way excuse or exonerate that behavior, but it does explain it. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol.
Just knowing that can sometimes alleviate some of the guilt. Doing so is important because harboring negative feelings can get an alcoholic drunk faster than just about anything. Guilt is one of those "dubious luxuries" of normal drinkers. We can't afford it.
In order to free ourselves of guilt, we need to come to a fuller understanding of just what guilt is, and where it comes from. Simply put, guilt is a by-product of control. Most of us learned it in childhood from our parents and other authority figures. In an effort to mold our behavior, we often heard things such as "Nice girls don't do that," or "No son of mine will ever (insert behavior)." Because we instinctively want to be on the good side of the people who feed, clothe and house us, we learn to feel badly when we don't live up to their expectations. Because we are alcoholics, even before we start drinking, we develop disproportionately large guilt mechanisms. We are experts not only at feeling guilt, but at wielding it as well. We become people-pleasers and manipulators. Unconsciously, we believe we are running the world and everything that happens in it is a direct result of our actions or inactions.
Now, not everyone who is self-centered in such a way is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic I've ever met is disproportionately self-centered. The purpose of the 12 steps is to teach us to think differently about ourselves and the world around us, and that is why they are so extremely powerful. They can relieve us of the desire to drink when nothing else on earth could.
In a nutshell, when we feel guilty, it is because of our unconscious desire to please others. We still believe that we can control others' thoughts and feelings by our actions. To some extent, we can, but it's an imperfect science. Anyone who tries on a consistent basis to do so knows what an impossible task it is to please everyone, but the alcoholic still believes it is possible in the face of their failure.
The alternative to guilt is a release of control and the honest attempt at right action. In AA, we call it "doing the next right thing". In the third step, we give up our will and our lives to the care of our higher power. In the eleventh step we develop our relationship with that power by asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the power to carry it out. In the twelfth step we attempt to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
It is in this practice that we are able stay sober and free of guilt. We take life as it comes to us and let our higher power lead the way. We aren't perfect at it, because we are humans. But we do progress. As a consequence, we are able to learn how to lead happy and productive lives that enhance the lives of those around us. Thus the powerless become powerful. I call that a win-win.
Through working the steps, I've learned a lot about who I was and how to change thinking that was harming me. I never thought I was a particularly angry person, but that was because I stuffed my emotions in a mental closet and locked them up tight. I also didn't think I was a people-pleaser, but practicing rigorous self-honesty taught me otherwise. I knew I had been trained growing up to respond to manipulation through guilt, but believed I'd thrown off the shackles of that worthless emotion. Wrong again.
Many people come into the rooms of AA horribly wracked with guilt and shame over their drinking behavior. Unfortunately, alcoholism is still poorly understood by the general public, so, on the surface, many of those behaviors might lead the drinker and those around them to believe they are entirely worthy of those feelings. However, if you ask an alcoholic if it's likely they would have done anything differently knowing only what they knew at the time, they will usually tell you they would have done exactly the same thing, even though they aren't proud of their behavior and would not have done those things if they were sober. One of the primary differences between an alcoholic and a normal drinker is that alcohol will lead an alcoholic to engage in uncharacteristic behavior, i.e., it changes their personality. This does not in any way excuse or exonerate that behavior, but it does explain it. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol.
Just knowing that can sometimes alleviate some of the guilt. Doing so is important because harboring negative feelings can get an alcoholic drunk faster than just about anything. Guilt is one of those "dubious luxuries" of normal drinkers. We can't afford it.
In order to free ourselves of guilt, we need to come to a fuller understanding of just what guilt is, and where it comes from. Simply put, guilt is a by-product of control. Most of us learned it in childhood from our parents and other authority figures. In an effort to mold our behavior, we often heard things such as "Nice girls don't do that," or "No son of mine will ever (insert behavior)." Because we instinctively want to be on the good side of the people who feed, clothe and house us, we learn to feel badly when we don't live up to their expectations. Because we are alcoholics, even before we start drinking, we develop disproportionately large guilt mechanisms. We are experts not only at feeling guilt, but at wielding it as well. We become people-pleasers and manipulators. Unconsciously, we believe we are running the world and everything that happens in it is a direct result of our actions or inactions.
Now, not everyone who is self-centered in such a way is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic I've ever met is disproportionately self-centered. The purpose of the 12 steps is to teach us to think differently about ourselves and the world around us, and that is why they are so extremely powerful. They can relieve us of the desire to drink when nothing else on earth could.
In a nutshell, when we feel guilty, it is because of our unconscious desire to please others. We still believe that we can control others' thoughts and feelings by our actions. To some extent, we can, but it's an imperfect science. Anyone who tries on a consistent basis to do so knows what an impossible task it is to please everyone, but the alcoholic still believes it is possible in the face of their failure.
The alternative to guilt is a release of control and the honest attempt at right action. In AA, we call it "doing the next right thing". In the third step, we give up our will and our lives to the care of our higher power. In the eleventh step we develop our relationship with that power by asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the power to carry it out. In the twelfth step we attempt to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
It is in this practice that we are able stay sober and free of guilt. We take life as it comes to us and let our higher power lead the way. We aren't perfect at it, because we are humans. But we do progress. As a consequence, we are able to learn how to lead happy and productive lives that enhance the lives of those around us. Thus the powerless become powerful. I call that a win-win.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Prodigal Returneth
My long holiday hiatus is over. It is a new year, with new challenges, and I have a fresh attitude to go with the change of date. What prompted me to return today, of all days, was a prolonged visit with my higher power.
I've mentioned before that I no longer believe my life is a series of random events without purpose or meaning. I don't always get to know why things happen, but I often get let in on the secret after the event has passed. Tonight was one of those times.
I welcomed January in this year with the realization that I did not drink in 2010. Not once. As of tomorrow, it will be fifteen months since I picked up my surrender chip. I cannot tell you, because I can't remember, how long it has been since I went an entire calendar year without drinking. When I was younger I often went a year where I had drunk less than a six pack, but I almost always at least had a drink or three on New Year's Eve or other rare occasions.
So, with this happy and joyous realization, I started 2011 with all the enthusiasm of a woman who was free. With my higher power firmly in charge, I start each morning asking my higher power to reveal its will for me, and for the power to carry it out. Then I get going and see what comes along. I don't always remember specifically anticipating the next right thing, but as I drove to my noon meeting yesterday, I did.
At the meeting was a woman who looked somewhat familiar. She sat across the table from me and said hi. I admired her necklace and wondered to myself if she was a newcomer, or if I'd seen her at another meeting. But I definitely noticed her.
After the meeting was over, she introduced herself and asked me if I'd be willing to speak at the Wednesday night (tonight's) meeting at the local rehab facility. I don't know how she got my name, or what inspired her to ask me, or even how she knew where to find me, but I did find out later that she was specifically at the meeting to ask me to speak.
Now, ordinarily, I am working on Wednesday nights. Because my husband and I work opposite shifts, if I'm not working, we generally have plans to do something together. But this particular Wednesday, for some reason, I had the night off, and my husband had choir practice, so I had no plans. It seemed my higher power had plans for me, so I agreed to speak.
After my first speaker's meeting, I got my first sponsee, and even though some other rather dramatic things happened that night, I soon realized that's why I was there. This time, I knew it couldn't be that because I have three sponsees working the steps right now, and that's all the time I can devote to sponsoring. As it is I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole. One sponsee needs me, we get her settled, and then one of the others pops up with an issue.
In any event, I knew I was supposed to be there. I prepped myself by going to an online meeting in the morning, then my regular noon meeting, then I had lunch with my sponsor, then I read the Big Book until it was time to get ready to leave. I was full of AA goodness. Right before the meeting, I ducked into the bathroom to turn it all over to my higher power so that the words I said would reach the ears that needed to hear them, and I went in cold.
The first time I did it, I remembered very little of what I said afterwards, and I can only remember a little of what I said tonight, even though it was only two hours ago. But somebody heard what they needed to hear, and three people picked up surrender chips when I was done. One of them was an old drinking buddy of mine. I didn't remember his name, but he remembered me from one of the places that I'd mentioned I used to drink in, and I do remember his face. Whatever else comes out of this service I was privileged to give, he had a friendly, familiar face telling him that I was able, with the help of AA, to quit drinking, and that he could, too. That's more than enough. That's what we do. We save each other's lives, one drunk at a time.
There was one thing I didn't remember to say that I'd intended to say. Since my higher power had other words for me then, I'll do it here. When I was very early in sobriety, there was one sentence in the Big Book that made a real impression. It's the beginning of "How it Works" and it's read in most AA meetings.
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." That's quite a claim, and one that I disputed myself the first time I "tried" AA. I was sure AA wouldn't work for me, so I kept on drinking. When I came back in, I turned it over and over in my mind. "Rarely have we seen a person fail, who has thoroughly followed our path."
Is it always easy? No. Life can be hard, and getting sober can be, too. But it's a lot easier than the road I was on before I began to thoroughly follow in the steps of other recovering alcoholics. Don't drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor, read the Big Book, work 12 simple steps, and keep working them. Does it work? Yes, yes it does. Is it worth it? More than I can ever say.
I've mentioned before that I no longer believe my life is a series of random events without purpose or meaning. I don't always get to know why things happen, but I often get let in on the secret after the event has passed. Tonight was one of those times.
I welcomed January in this year with the realization that I did not drink in 2010. Not once. As of tomorrow, it will be fifteen months since I picked up my surrender chip. I cannot tell you, because I can't remember, how long it has been since I went an entire calendar year without drinking. When I was younger I often went a year where I had drunk less than a six pack, but I almost always at least had a drink or three on New Year's Eve or other rare occasions.
So, with this happy and joyous realization, I started 2011 with all the enthusiasm of a woman who was free. With my higher power firmly in charge, I start each morning asking my higher power to reveal its will for me, and for the power to carry it out. Then I get going and see what comes along. I don't always remember specifically anticipating the next right thing, but as I drove to my noon meeting yesterday, I did.
At the meeting was a woman who looked somewhat familiar. She sat across the table from me and said hi. I admired her necklace and wondered to myself if she was a newcomer, or if I'd seen her at another meeting. But I definitely noticed her.
After the meeting was over, she introduced herself and asked me if I'd be willing to speak at the Wednesday night (tonight's) meeting at the local rehab facility. I don't know how she got my name, or what inspired her to ask me, or even how she knew where to find me, but I did find out later that she was specifically at the meeting to ask me to speak.
Now, ordinarily, I am working on Wednesday nights. Because my husband and I work opposite shifts, if I'm not working, we generally have plans to do something together. But this particular Wednesday, for some reason, I had the night off, and my husband had choir practice, so I had no plans. It seemed my higher power had plans for me, so I agreed to speak.
After my first speaker's meeting, I got my first sponsee, and even though some other rather dramatic things happened that night, I soon realized that's why I was there. This time, I knew it couldn't be that because I have three sponsees working the steps right now, and that's all the time I can devote to sponsoring. As it is I sometimes feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole. One sponsee needs me, we get her settled, and then one of the others pops up with an issue.
In any event, I knew I was supposed to be there. I prepped myself by going to an online meeting in the morning, then my regular noon meeting, then I had lunch with my sponsor, then I read the Big Book until it was time to get ready to leave. I was full of AA goodness. Right before the meeting, I ducked into the bathroom to turn it all over to my higher power so that the words I said would reach the ears that needed to hear them, and I went in cold.
The first time I did it, I remembered very little of what I said afterwards, and I can only remember a little of what I said tonight, even though it was only two hours ago. But somebody heard what they needed to hear, and three people picked up surrender chips when I was done. One of them was an old drinking buddy of mine. I didn't remember his name, but he remembered me from one of the places that I'd mentioned I used to drink in, and I do remember his face. Whatever else comes out of this service I was privileged to give, he had a friendly, familiar face telling him that I was able, with the help of AA, to quit drinking, and that he could, too. That's more than enough. That's what we do. We save each other's lives, one drunk at a time.
There was one thing I didn't remember to say that I'd intended to say. Since my higher power had other words for me then, I'll do it here. When I was very early in sobriety, there was one sentence in the Big Book that made a real impression. It's the beginning of "How it Works" and it's read in most AA meetings.
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." That's quite a claim, and one that I disputed myself the first time I "tried" AA. I was sure AA wouldn't work for me, so I kept on drinking. When I came back in, I turned it over and over in my mind. "Rarely have we seen a person fail, who has thoroughly followed our path."
Is it always easy? No. Life can be hard, and getting sober can be, too. But it's a lot easier than the road I was on before I began to thoroughly follow in the steps of other recovering alcoholics. Don't drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor, read the Big Book, work 12 simple steps, and keep working them. Does it work? Yes, yes it does. Is it worth it? More than I can ever say.
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