When I quit drinking and joined AA, I had no idea that I was embarking on a journey of self-discovery. Like many new AAs, I just figured I could learn how to drink like normal people. It was not the first notion of which I was disabused and I'm certain it won't be the last.
Through working the steps, I've learned a lot about who I was and how to change thinking that was harming me. I never thought I was a particularly angry person, but that was because I stuffed my emotions in a mental closet and locked them up tight. I also didn't think I was a people-pleaser, but practicing rigorous self-honesty taught me otherwise. I knew I had been trained growing up to respond to manipulation through guilt, but believed I'd thrown off the shackles of that worthless emotion. Wrong again.
Many people come into the rooms of AA horribly wracked with guilt and shame over their drinking behavior. Unfortunately, alcoholism is still poorly understood by the general public, so, on the surface, many of those behaviors might lead the drinker and those around them to believe they are entirely worthy of those feelings. However, if you ask an alcoholic if it's likely they would have done anything differently knowing only what they knew at the time, they will usually tell you they would have done exactly the same thing, even though they aren't proud of their behavior and would not have done those things if they were sober. One of the primary differences between an alcoholic and a normal drinker is that alcohol will lead an alcoholic to engage in uncharacteristic behavior, i.e., it changes their personality. This does not in any way excuse or exonerate that behavior, but it does explain it. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol.
Just knowing that can sometimes alleviate some of the guilt. Doing so is important because harboring negative feelings can get an alcoholic drunk faster than just about anything. Guilt is one of those "dubious luxuries" of normal drinkers. We can't afford it.
In order to free ourselves of guilt, we need to come to a fuller understanding of just what guilt is, and where it comes from. Simply put, guilt is a by-product of control. Most of us learned it in childhood from our parents and other authority figures. In an effort to mold our behavior, we often heard things such as "Nice girls don't do that," or "No son of mine will ever (insert behavior)." Because we instinctively want to be on the good side of the people who feed, clothe and house us, we learn to feel badly when we don't live up to their expectations. Because we are alcoholics, even before we start drinking, we develop disproportionately large guilt mechanisms. We are experts not only at feeling guilt, but at wielding it as well. We become people-pleasers and manipulators. Unconsciously, we believe we are running the world and everything that happens in it is a direct result of our actions or inactions.
Now, not everyone who is self-centered in such a way is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic I've ever met is disproportionately self-centered. The purpose of the 12 steps is to teach us to think differently about ourselves and the world around us, and that is why they are so extremely powerful. They can relieve us of the desire to drink when nothing else on earth could.
In a nutshell, when we feel guilty, it is because of our unconscious desire to please others. We still believe that we can control others' thoughts and feelings by our actions. To some extent, we can, but it's an imperfect science. Anyone who tries on a consistent basis to do so knows what an impossible task it is to please everyone, but the alcoholic still believes it is possible in the face of their failure.
The alternative to guilt is a release of control and the honest attempt at right action. In AA, we call it "doing the next right thing". In the third step, we give up our will and our lives to the care of our higher power. In the eleventh step we develop our relationship with that power by asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the power to carry it out. In the twelfth step we attempt to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
It is in this practice that we are able stay sober and free of guilt. We take life as it comes to us and let our higher power lead the way. We aren't perfect at it, because we are humans. But we do progress. As a consequence, we are able to learn how to lead happy and productive lives that enhance the lives of those around us. Thus the powerless become powerful. I call that a win-win.
Through working the steps, I've learned a lot about who I was and how to change thinking that was harming me. I never thought I was a particularly angry person, but that was because I stuffed my emotions in a mental closet and locked them up tight. I also didn't think I was a people-pleaser, but practicing rigorous self-honesty taught me otherwise. I knew I had been trained growing up to respond to manipulation through guilt, but believed I'd thrown off the shackles of that worthless emotion. Wrong again.
Many people come into the rooms of AA horribly wracked with guilt and shame over their drinking behavior. Unfortunately, alcoholism is still poorly understood by the general public, so, on the surface, many of those behaviors might lead the drinker and those around them to believe they are entirely worthy of those feelings. However, if you ask an alcoholic if it's likely they would have done anything differently knowing only what they knew at the time, they will usually tell you they would have done exactly the same thing, even though they aren't proud of their behavior and would not have done those things if they were sober. One of the primary differences between an alcoholic and a normal drinker is that alcohol will lead an alcoholic to engage in uncharacteristic behavior, i.e., it changes their personality. This does not in any way excuse or exonerate that behavior, but it does explain it. An alcoholic is powerless over alcohol.
Just knowing that can sometimes alleviate some of the guilt. Doing so is important because harboring negative feelings can get an alcoholic drunk faster than just about anything. Guilt is one of those "dubious luxuries" of normal drinkers. We can't afford it.
In order to free ourselves of guilt, we need to come to a fuller understanding of just what guilt is, and where it comes from. Simply put, guilt is a by-product of control. Most of us learned it in childhood from our parents and other authority figures. In an effort to mold our behavior, we often heard things such as "Nice girls don't do that," or "No son of mine will ever (insert behavior)." Because we instinctively want to be on the good side of the people who feed, clothe and house us, we learn to feel badly when we don't live up to their expectations. Because we are alcoholics, even before we start drinking, we develop disproportionately large guilt mechanisms. We are experts not only at feeling guilt, but at wielding it as well. We become people-pleasers and manipulators. Unconsciously, we believe we are running the world and everything that happens in it is a direct result of our actions or inactions.
Now, not everyone who is self-centered in such a way is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic I've ever met is disproportionately self-centered. The purpose of the 12 steps is to teach us to think differently about ourselves and the world around us, and that is why they are so extremely powerful. They can relieve us of the desire to drink when nothing else on earth could.
In a nutshell, when we feel guilty, it is because of our unconscious desire to please others. We still believe that we can control others' thoughts and feelings by our actions. To some extent, we can, but it's an imperfect science. Anyone who tries on a consistent basis to do so knows what an impossible task it is to please everyone, but the alcoholic still believes it is possible in the face of their failure.
The alternative to guilt is a release of control and the honest attempt at right action. In AA, we call it "doing the next right thing". In the third step, we give up our will and our lives to the care of our higher power. In the eleventh step we develop our relationship with that power by asking only for knowledge of its will for us and the power to carry it out. In the twelfth step we attempt to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
It is in this practice that we are able stay sober and free of guilt. We take life as it comes to us and let our higher power lead the way. We aren't perfect at it, because we are humans. But we do progress. As a consequence, we are able to learn how to lead happy and productive lives that enhance the lives of those around us. Thus the powerless become powerful. I call that a win-win.
The topic of the Daily Reflections yesterday was about recognizing that our past (that source of our guilt) can be useful to help another suffering alcoholic. I don't wish to forget my past, I just can't stare at it. And I've learned that in forgiving myself I've given up the idea that my past could have been any different. To maintain my sobriety today I remember that I it took what it took to get me where it am today. All it would take to go back to that misery would be picking up that first drink!
ReplyDelete*smile* That's where it came from. We had a meeting about it, and it was an excellent meeting. I often use this space to clarify my thoughts after a meeting. Thanks for sharing and keep on trudging!
ReplyDelete